Have you ever been in the middle of a totally normal day, and then something happens, a comment, a message, a scene on TV, a memory, and suddenly you feel it again?
That familiar drop in your stomach. The tight chest. The shutdown. The spiralling thoughts.
And then the whisper (or the shout): “I should be over this by now.”
If you’ve ever thought that, this blog is for you.
Because there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with your reaction. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you safe.
So let’s gently explore why healing can make you feel stuck, what’s really going on underneath, and how to quiet that “should” voice with compassion and practical, doable tools.
Grab a cup of tea or coffee, take a breath, and remember: you’re not alone on this journey.
The moment you feel triggered again
That “why am I still like this?” feeling can be brutal.
You might find yourself thinking:
• Why do I still feel like this?
• Everyone else is getting on with life, why am I still reacting?
• Did I do something wrong?
• Why can’t I just snap out of it?
And if you’ve done therapy, learned about trauma, tried to take care of yourself, you might add another layer:
“I’ve done the work. Why is this still happening?”
I want to share a moment from my own life, because I never want this space to feel like me talking at you. I’m on this train with you.
Recently something set me off. It wasn’t dramatic. From the outside I probably looked fine. I even did what I always do when I’m trying to feel better: makeup, hair, “look normal”.
But inside? My stomach was knotted. My chest tightened. And I went straight back to that old voice:
“You’re too much. You’re the problem. You’re a burden.”
And then, even more painful, came the judgement:
“You should be over this by now.”
That word should is one of the most triggering words, isn’t it? It carries pressure, shame, and impossible expectations.
But trauma isn’t something you just “get over”.
Why you can’t just “be over it”
In those moments, we often forget what’s really happening.
We’re not thinking about the nervous system.
We’re not thinking about survival responses.
We’re thinking about our responsibilities and our roles.
I’m a mum. I’m working. I’m doing the gym. I’m learning. I’m showing up.
I should be over it.
But it doesn’t work like that.
Because your nervous system is not interested in whether you’ve done enough self-development. It’s interested in one thing:
Are you safe?
When your system senses danger (or what it believes is danger), it will try to protect you.
Even if the “danger” is not happening now.
Even if your mind knows you’re safe.
Even if the trigger feels small.
Trauma isn’t only what happened: it’s what happened inside you
There’s a quote from Gabor Maté that captures this beautifully:
Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.
This matters because we often focus on the event, what happened, what was said, what we went through.
But your body remembers something slightly different.
Your body remembers the feeling: the fear, the helplessness, the shock, the unsafety, the overwhelm.
Imagine a car accident. Two people can go through a crash and both remember the event. But one person’s body processes it quickly and feels able to get back in a car. Another person’s body remembers terror so deeply that getting into a car later feels impossible.
The trauma response isn’t only about the incident.
It’s about what your nervous system stored from it.
Why your body reacts even when you know you’re safe
This is one of the most confusing parts of healing.
Your mind can say:
“I’m an adult. I’m safe. I survived.”
And your body can say:
“No. We’ve been here before. This is dangerous.”
It can feel like your body has gone back in time, like you’re five again, ten again, stuck in an old version of yourself.
That’s why triggers can feel so intense. It’s not “overreacting”. It’s a survival response.
Fight. Flight. Freeze. Fawn.
And when you’re in it, it can be hard to remember anything else.
Healing isn’t linear. It’s more like a spiral.
A lot of people think healing should look like a straight line: progress, progress, progress… done.
But real healing is messier than that.
You can have days where you feel light and lifted, and then one comment, one memory, one message, and you’re right back in the spiral.
That doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It doesn’t mean you’re back at the beginning.
It means you’ve hit another layer.
And each time you meet the pattern, there’s often a little more awareness than last time.
That’s part of the work.
For me, after a conversation that brought childhood things up, I didn’t realise how much it had activated my system until afterwards. I didn’t sleep properly for two nights. I had flashbacks in the mornings. My mood was snappy.
And I want to say this clearly:
It wasn’t my fault. And if you go through this, it’s not your fault either.
It’s your body going back into survival mode.
The goal isn’t to bully yourself out of it
When I’m in that “wobble” place, the temptation is to push harder:
“Get over it.”
“Stop being like this.”
“Why are you still going on about that?”
“Other people have it worse.”
But the work isn’t to bully yourself out of survival.
The work is:
• to notice what’s happening
• to soften around it
• to support your nervous system back to the present
Because if you sit inside the survival response too long, your body stays locked there.
We need a bridge back to now.
A 60-second grounding practice to bring you back to the present
If you notice that “here we go again” feeling, see if you can give yourself 60 seconds.
Do this anywhere:
1. Plant your feet on the floor
2. Notice one thing you can see
3. Notice one thing you can hear
4. Notice one thing you can feel against your skin
5. Take a slow breath in through your nose
6. Take a longer breath out through your mouth, like gently blowing out a candle
You don’t have to force yourself to relax.
The aim is simply to tell your body:
Right here, in this moment, I am safe.
If it helps, try this breathing rhythm:
4 seconds in, 6 seconds out.
You can do it in the supermarket. You can do it while walking the dog. You can do it in your kitchen.
Small tools matter when you actually use them.
Hand on heart: a simple safety cue
I also want to share something that really stuck with me from a conversation with Dana Grant.
She spoke about placing a hand on her heart each morning and reminding herself:
All is well with me today.
All is well in the universe.
I’m safe. I’m loved. I’m protected.
Even just placing your hand on your chest can be grounding.
Try this, quietly, even in your head:
I am safe. I am loved. I am protected.
It’s small. It’s doable. It’s kind.
And on days where all you want is a cosy blanket and a cup of tea? Do it then too.
Swap “I should be over this” for a softer truth
The world often sells healing as fast and tidy.
Quick fixes.
30-day transformations.
Before and after pictures.
So when your healing looks slow, repetitive, or messy, you might assume you’re doing it wrong.
But what if, instead of “I should be over this”, you tried:
Of course I feel like this.
Of course my body is cautious after what I’ve lived through.
Of course I shut down when something brushes an old wound.
Of course there’s a part of me that’s tired and just wants it to be done.
“Of course” doesn’t mean you stay stuck.
It means you stop fighting yourself long enough to support yourself.
Reflection prompts (save these for later)
When you feel ready, come back to these questions:
• When do I notice my “should be over this” voice?
• Whose voice does it sound like?
• What would I say to a close friend who felt like I do right now?
• What is one small way I can support my nervous system this week?
Even if you only do one thing today, let it be something simple:
Breathe.
Hand on heart.
I am safe. I am loved. I am protected.
And with time, you’ll recognise the pattern sooner. You’ll move through it quicker. You’ll know what it is.
Not because you forced it.
Because you supported yourself through it.
A final reminder if you’re feeling stuck
If you’re in a spiral right now, please hear this:
Feeling stuck doesn’t mean you’re failing at healing.
It means your body is still trying to protect you with tools it learned a long time ago.
Your body remembers.
As Bessel van der Kolk says, the body keeps the score.
So when a trigger hits, your body can revert back to where it once felt unsafe, even if your mind knows you’re in a different place now.
The work is bringing it back to the present, again and again, with compassion.
Small steps.
Your own track.
One breath at a time.
And remember: you’re not on this journey alone.
Stay connected
If this has brought anything up for you, or you recognise that “I should be over this by now” voice, I’d genuinely love to hear from you.
You can message me on Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok: Riding the Trauma Train
Or email: lydia@info.ridingthetraumatrain.co.uk
If there’s a topic you want covered, or a healing modality you’d love to hear on the podcast, please reach out.
Take care of your nervous system, ground yourself in the hard moments, and keep taking small steps forward.