Grief is never simple. But when loss comes suddenly, without warning, and through suicide, it can leave behind layers of shock, confusion and unanswered questions that feel impossible to carry.
In this episode of Riding the Trauma Train, Lydia speaks with Joanne, a therapist, bereavement advocate and founder of Souled in Love. Joanne shares her deeply personal story of loss, including the sudden suicide of her husband after nearly 40 years together.
This is a conversation about grief, trauma and survival. But it is also a conversation about hope, and the small, often unseen steps that help people begin to find their way forward again.
A Life Touched by Repeated Loss
Before losing her husband, Joanne had already experienced significant bereavement.
She had lost close family members, including siblings and extended relatives, many at young ages and some through suicide. She was not unfamiliar with grief, either personally or professionally. As a therapist, she had supported others through loss and even built work around helping people navigate bereavement.
But nothing prepared her for what came next.
When Loss Comes Without Warning
Joanne describes her husband as someone everyone saw as happy, funny and full of life. There were no obvious signs that he was struggling in a way that would lead to suicide.
That is part of what made the loss so traumatic.
One day, he went to work. And he did not come home.
What followed was not only grief, but shock, confusion and the painful reality of having to process something that did not make sense. Alongside this came external pressures, including police involvement and an inquest, which brought a deeply personal loss into the public eye.
The Questions That Do Not Have Answers
After the loss, Joanne found herself going over conversations, memories and moments, trying to understand what had happened.
She describes becoming a “detective”, replaying everything and wondering whether she had missed something.
This is something many people who have experienced traumatic loss will recognise. When something feels incomprehensible, the mind searches for meaning. It tries to create order from something that feels chaotic.
Joanne also speaks about the guilt she carried. As a therapist, she questioned how she had not seen any signs. As a partner, she struggled with the idea that someone she loved so deeply could be in pain and not share it.
Over time, she began to understand something important. Her husband knew he could talk. He chose not to. That realisation helped her begin to release some of the guilt she had been holding.
When Grief Affects Everything
Grief does not just affect emotions. It affects the body, the mind, relationships and identity.
Joanne shares how, in the early days, she struggled to function. Basic tasks felt overwhelming. Getting out of bed, brushing her teeth or having a shower felt like significant achievements.
Her relationship with her children also changed. Although she was physically present, trauma meant she was not always emotionally available. Her children, who were also grieving, found themselves trying to support her while navigating their own loss.
Friendships shifted too. Some people showed up in the early days but disappeared over time. Others did not know what to say or how to respond, and this created further distance.
Grief often brings secondary losses, and Joanne’s experience highlights just how complex that can be.
The Difference Between Year One and Year Two
There is often a belief that the first year of grief is the hardest.
For Joanne, that was not the case.
She describes the first year as being held partly by shock. In some ways, her mind was protecting her from the full reality of what had happened.
It was in the second year that things felt heavier. The shock began to wear off, and the permanence of the loss became more real.
This is an important reminder that grief does not follow a timeline, and there is no “right” way to move through it.
The Small Steps That Helped
Healing did not come in big, transformative moments. It came in small, gentle steps.
Joanne began setting very simple goals. Getting out of bed became a win. Brushing her teeth became a win. Taking a shower became a big win.
Over time, she introduced small supportive practices, including:
- writing down thoughts instead of holding them in
- using post-it notes with grounding reminders
- listening to calming music
- holding an object, like a stone, to stay present while walking
- repeating phrases such as “I’ve got everything I need in this moment”
- using physical items like jewellery for comfort and connection
One turning point came when her niece encouraged her to try Couch to 5K. Movement became part of her healing, not as a solution, but as a step forward.
These tools are simple, but they are powerful because they meet people where they are.
What Actually Helps When Someone Is Grieving
Joanne offers a clear and compassionate message for anyone supporting someone through loss.
It is not about saying the perfect thing.
In fact, many common phrases can feel unhelpful or even painful.
Instead, she suggests something much simpler:
Ask, “How can I help you?”
This creates space for the person grieving to express what they need, rather than having something assumed for them.
She also highlights the importance of continuing to say the name of the person who has died. For many people, hearing their loved one spoken about keeps their memory alive and validates their place in the family and in their life.
Sometimes, the most powerful support is simply being there, listening and allowing someone to feel what they feel.
Finding Hope Again
One of the most powerful moments in this conversation is when Joanne describes feeling hope for the first time.
She explains that it came as a physical feeling, something she had not experienced in a long time. And in that moment, she realised that something was shifting.
If someone had told her in the early days that she would feel hope again, she would not have believed them.
But slowly, gently, it returned.
She now speaks about smiling again, finding moments of joy and beginning to build a future that looks different, but still holds meaning.
A Gentle Reminder
If you are navigating grief, especially after a traumatic or sudden loss, please know that your experience is valid.
There is no right timeline. There is no perfect way to heal.
And even if it does not feel like it right now, hope can exist alongside pain.
SUPPORT RESOURCES
- Samaritans – Call 116 123 (free, 24/7) or visit www.samaritans.org
- NHS – Call 111 or visit www.nhs.uk
- Emergency Services – Call 999 if you are in immediate danger
- Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide – www.uksobs.org
- Cruse Bereavement Support – 0808 808 1677 or www.cruse.org.uk
- Mind – www.mind.org.uk
CONNECT WITH LYDIA
Website: www.ridingthetraumatrain.co.uk
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Email: lydia@info.ridingthetraumatrain.co.uk