Content note: This episode includes discussion of childhood sexual abuse, confronting an abuser, shame, guilt, anger, and the concept of “victim mentality”. Please take gentle care while reading. Pause if you need to, and seek support if anything feels activating. This blog is for education and empowerment and is not a replacement for therapy or professional mental health support.
There is a point in healing where the goal is no longer to “fix” yourself, or to find the perfect explanation for why you feel the way you do.
Instead, something quieter and more powerful becomes possible: you start to see how the past might have shaped you, without having to let it run your life today.
In this episode of Riding the Trauma Train, Lydia is joined by transformation coach and mentor Marina Galana for a conversation that is both tender and challenging in the best way.
Marina shares the moment she confronted her abuser, and how his unexpected response created what she calls a “new space”. A space that helped her see something life-changing: our lived experiences matter deeply, and also, our wellbeing is not only determined by what happened then. It is shaped by what we are believing, moment by moment, right now.
Note for Lydia: I have written this blog from the detailed episode summary you shared in this chat. If you paste the full transcript, I can tighten the language further, add more of your exact phrasing, include stronger narrative beats, and pull out direct quotes and timestamps.
A moment that created “new space”
Marina shares the moment she confronted her abuser, and why his response shocked her. Many people imagine that confrontation brings closure, or at least clarity, but real life can be messier than that.
What stood out in Marina’s story was not a neat resolution. It was the space that opened up when the response did not match what she expected.
In that space, Marina noticed something important about how the mind works: we often unknowingly build our peace on outcomes we cannot control.
This does not minimise what happened. It simply reveals a painful truth and a freeing one at the same time: if our wellbeing depends on someone else doing the “right” thing, we can end up stuck waiting for a moment that may never arrive.
Forgiveness and freedom are not the same thing
This episode explores a key distinction: forgiveness is not the same as freedom.
Forgiveness can feel loaded, especially for survivors. It can sound like pressure to move on, excuse harm, or silence anger that is valid.
Freedom is different.
Freedom is not approval. It is not denial. It is not pretending the past did not matter.
Freedom is what happens when the past stops being the centre of your identity and nervous system. It is when your sense of self, safety, and possibility is no longer organised around the person who harmed you, or the story that keeps you trapped.
How trauma can shape identity
Trauma can shape identity in ways that feel permanent, especially if your nervous system has been living in survival mode for a long time.
Marina offers a powerful reframe: identity can become a habit of thought.
This does not mean your experiences are “just thoughts”. It means the mind can repeat certain conclusions about you and your life until they feel like facts.
Over time, those conclusions can become the lens through which you interpret everything.
You might recognise this as:
- “I’m not safe.”
- “I’m broken.”
- “It’s my fault.”
- “I can’t trust anyone.”
- “This will never change.”
These thoughts often make sense in context. They may have helped you survive.
But when they become automatic, they can keep you locked into a version of yourself that was built for protection, not for freedom.
“We don’t feel reality, we feel our thinking in the moment”
One of the central ideas Marina shares is this: we don’t feel reality directly; we feel our thinking in the moment.
For people with lived experience of trauma, this can land in a lot of ways. So it is worth being clear:
This is not saying the trauma was not real.
It is not saying the body did not store what happened.
It is not blaming survivors for their pain.
It is pointing to something many people find deeply relieving once they see it: the mind is constantly creating experience through thought, meaning, memory, and interpretation.
When the nervous system is activated, the mind often serves up thoughts that match the state you are in.
This can help explain why you can have a day where nothing “bad” happens, yet you feel anxious, ashamed, flooded, or numb.
It can also help explain why you can feel a moment of calm or connection even after years of pain.
Your experience is real. And it is also changeable.
When old beliefs become filters
Marina describes old beliefs as filters that shape daily life, often without us noticing.
If a belief like “I am unsafe” is running in the background, your mind may:
- scan for threat
- interpret neutral moments as danger
- replay memories that confirm the belief
- dismiss evidence of safety as “temporary”
If a belief like “I’m not enough” is active, your mind may:
- downplay successes
- magnify mistakes
- push you to overdo, overthink, or prove yourself
- interpret feedback as rejection
This is not about policing your thoughts. It is about recognising patterns with compassion, and understanding that thoughts can look convincing even when they are not helpful or true.
A challenging reframe: when wellbeing becomes conditional
This episode includes the concept of “victim mentality”, which can be a charged phrase.
The way Marina frames it is important: not as an insult, and not as a denial of harm, but as a pattern where wellbeing becomes dependent on something outside of you.
It can sound like:
- “I can only heal if they admit it.”
- “I will be okay once I get closure.”
- “I will feel better when they take responsibility.”
- “I can move on after they change.”
Wanting acknowledgement and accountability makes sense. Many survivors deserve that.
The painful reality is that you cannot force someone else into responsibility.
If your peace depends on that, your wellbeing becomes conditional on an outcome you cannot control.
Agency is not minimising. It is power. It is the choice to stop handing your future to someone else’s behaviour.
The “I’ll be happy when…” loop
Many people who have experienced trauma become high-achievers at healing.
They do the journalling. The affirmations. The gratitude. The books. The next tool. The next breakthrough.
And yet, the mind can keep moving the goalposts.
“I’ll feel better when…”
- I’m fully healed
- I stop getting triggered
- I forgive
- I fix my nervous system
- my life looks different
- I am never affected again
When wellbeing is positioned as a future destination, the present can feel like a constant problem to solve.
That is exhausting, especially for a nervous system already carrying so much.
Why gratitude can feel exhausting
Gratitude is often suggested as a universal practice, but for some people it becomes another form of pressure.
Another thing to do “correctly”.
Gratitude without clarity can feel like effortful positivity.
Clarity beats effort. When you see something clearly, you do not have to push yourself into it.
A simple tool you can use every day: altered states of mind
One of the most practical takeaways from this episode is Marina’s everyday tool: recognise altered states of mind, and do not trust your thoughts in them.
Altered states might include:
- anger
- hopelessness
- jealousy
- panic
- intense shame
- even euphoria
In these states, thoughts can become more absolute and more convincing.
Instead, the invitation is simple:
- Notice the state. Name it gently.
- Pause. Delay action where you can.
- Support your nervous system in a small way (breath, water, movement, stepping outside).
- Revisit the thought later, when there is more clarity.
This is not avoidance. It is wisdom.
Gentle ways to integrate this episode
If this conversation resonated, here are a few trauma-aware next steps you can try without forcing anything:
- Ask, “What am I believing right now?” Not to judge it, but to see it.
- Notice the “I’ll be okay when…” thought, then gently bring attention back to what you can support today.
- Separate the event from the meaning. “This happened” is different from “This means I am broken.”
- Practise a pause in intense states. Let the mind settle before you make decisions.
- Choose support over self-fixing. If you feel activated, reach out to a trusted person or professional.
Resources mentioned
- Three Principles Global Community (3PGC): 3pgc.org
- Marina on Instagram: @marinagalana
- Marina’s website: marinagalan.com
About Marina Galana
Marina Galana is a transformation coach and mentor who supports people to understand how their minds work, shift unhelpful thought patterns, and reconnect with wellbeing as their natural state.
Her approach is rooted in the Three Principles (first articulated by Sydney Banks) and focuses on clarity rather than constant strategies or self-fixing.
- Instagram: @marinagalana
- Website: marinagalan.com
- Community resource: 3pgc.org
Listen and connect
If this episode resonated, you are warmly invited to share it with someone who might need this perspective today, follow or subscribe so you do not miss the next stop on the Trauma Train, and DM Lydia at @ridingthetraumatrain with your biggest takeaway.
Connect with Lydia
- Instagram: @ridingthetraumatrain | @right.track.wellbeing
- Email: lydia@info.ridingthetraumatrain.co.uk
Go gently. You do not have to process everything at once.