Content note: This article discusses self-harm, emotional distress and young people’s mental health. There are no graphic details, but some readers may find the subject difficult. Please read at your own pace, take a break if you need to, and seek professional support if this topic feels particularly close to home.
Self-harm can be an incredibly difficult subject to talk about, particularly when it involves a child or young person.
Parents may be frightened of saying the wrong thing. Young people may feel unable to explain what they are experiencing. And stigma can leave entire families struggling in silence.
But silence does not make difficult things disappear.
In this episode of Riding the Trauma Train, Lydia is joined by Sally Panks, founder of SNL Self-Harm Distraction Kits, for a compassionate and honest conversation about self-harm, why someone might use it as a coping strategy, and what parents, carers and professionals can do to offer support without judgement.
One of Sally’s most important messages is simple:
Self-harm can affect anybody.
It is not about a particular type of person, family or background. And when someone is struggling, understanding what may be happening underneath the behaviour can help us respond very differently.
Self-Harm Doesn’t Discriminate
There can still be assumptions about what a person who self-harms “looks like”.
But as Sally explains in the episode, it can happen to people from all backgrounds, cultures, religions and communities.
That matters because assumptions can make it easier to miss the signs.
A young person may appear happy, sociable or confident. They may be doing well at school. They may have supportive parents and friends.
None of those things necessarily tell us what is happening internally.
Some communities may also find conversations about self-harm particularly difficult because of stigma, cultural expectations or fear of judgement.
When a subject feels taboo, asking for help can become even harder.
Creating space for honest, compassionate conversations is therefore incredibly important.
Understanding Self-Harm as a Coping Strategy
One of the biggest misconceptions surrounding self-harm is that it is simply “attention seeking”.
That label can be incredibly damaging.
Self-harm is complex, and there is no single reason why someone might experience it. For some people, it may become a way of attempting to cope with emotions or experiences that feel overwhelming.
That does not mean self-harm is a healthy or safe coping strategy.
It means that focusing only on stopping the behaviour can sometimes miss an important question:
What is this person trying to cope with?
Approaching that question with curiosity rather than judgement can change the conversation.
Instead of:
“Why would you do this?”
the focus becomes:
“What is happening for you, and how can we help you feel supported?”
That shift can be significant.
Could Your Child Be Struggling in Silence?
For a parent or carer, discovering that a child has been self-harming can bring an enormous wave of emotions.
Fear. Shock. Confusion. Guilt. Anger. Helplessness.
Those reactions are understandable, but the young person may already be carrying shame, fear or uncertainty of their own.
This is why the initial response can matter.
A child may be terrified about how an adult will react. They may fear punishment, judgement or having control taken away from them.
Remaining as calm as possible and listening can help create the safety needed for a more honest conversation.
You do not need to have all the answers.
Sometimes the most powerful thing an adult can communicate is:
“I’m here. I’m listening. We’re going to find support together.”
Looking Beyond the Behaviour
When somebody is struggling with self-harm, it can be tempting to focus entirely on the behaviour itself.
Understandably, loved ones want it to stop.
But Sally’s conversation with Lydia highlights the importance of looking underneath what is happening too.
What emotions is the person experiencing?
What situations feel overwhelming?
Are there particular triggers?
What does the behaviour help them manage in that moment?
What other ways of coping could gradually be introduced with appropriate support?
This is where compassion and curiosity become so important.
The aim is not to excuse harmful behaviour. It is to understand what need may be sitting underneath it so that safer coping strategies and appropriate professional support can be developed.
What Are Self-Harm Distraction Kits?
Sally’s own experience led her to create SNL Self-Harm Distraction Kits.
The principle behind a distraction kit is to provide alternative activities and tools that may help someone redirect their attention when they are experiencing an urge to self-harm.
Different things work for different people, which means there is no universal solution.
A distraction kit might include activities that encourage someone to pause, engage their senses, express emotions, focus their attention elsewhere or use another coping strategy while an intense moment passes.
Importantly, distraction tools are not a replacement for professional mental health support.
They can form one part of a wider support system that may also include trusted adults, healthcare professionals, counselling or therapy, safeguarding support and other appropriate services.
Recovery Is Not Always a Straight Line
Another important message from this episode is that recovery does not necessarily happen in a neat, predictable sequence.
There may be progress followed by difficult days.
There may be periods when someone feels stronger and others when old coping mechanisms become tempting again.
That does not erase the progress that has already been made.
Learning new ways to regulate emotions and cope with distress can take time.
Support, patience and consistency matter.
For parents and carers, this can also mean recognising that they need support themselves. Supporting someone experiencing significant emotional distress can be frightening and exhausting.
You are not expected to become their therapist.
Your role can be to listen, remain connected and help them access appropriate professional support.
Why Language Matters
Words can either open conversations or close them.
Calling someone “attention seeking”, dramatic or difficult may reinforce the very shame that prevents them from reaching out.
A trauma-informed approach asks us to consider what might be happening beneath behaviour rather than immediately judging it.
That does not mean ignoring boundaries or risk.
It means responding to the person as a human being who may be struggling to communicate something they do not yet have the words or tools to express.
And sometimes what looks like a request for attention may actually be a request for connection, reassurance, safety or help.
Those needs deserve to be taken seriously.
For Parents, Carers and Professionals
If there is one message to take from Lydia and Sally’s conversation, it is that difficult conversations are worth having.
You do not need perfect words.
You do not need to understand everything immediately.
And you do not need to solve everything in one conversation.
Listening without judgement, keeping communication open and helping someone access appropriate support can be incredibly valuable.
If you are worried about a young person, take your concerns seriously and seek guidance from an appropriate healthcare or mental health professional. If there is an immediate risk to someone’s safety, seek urgent professional or emergency support.
Breaking the Silence Around Self-Harm
Self-harm remains surrounded by misunderstanding, fear and stigma.
But avoiding the conversation does not protect the people experiencing it.
Talking about self-harm responsibly and without graphic detail can help people recognise that they are not alone and that support exists.
As Sally reminds listeners:
It can happen to anybody.
That is precisely why these conversations matter.
The goal is not to create fear.
It is to replace silence with understanding, judgement with compassion, and shame with opportunities for connection and support.
Listen to the Full Episode
Listen to Lydia’s full conversation with Sally Panks on Riding the Trauma Train to hear more about self-harm, distraction kits, supporting young people and the importance of creating conversations without judgement.
Listen here: Episode 33 | Could Your Child Be Struggling in Silence? Understanding Self-Harm
Find out more about Sally and SNL Self-Harm Distraction Kits: http://www.harmdistractionkits.co.uk/
For more trauma-informed conversations and practical wellbeing tools, visit www.ridingthetraumatrain.co.uk or follow @ridingthetraumatrain and @right.track.wellbeing on Instagram.
If this episode could help another parent, carer or professional, consider sharing it with them.