Healing Does Not Start With Perfection
In Episode 20 of Riding the Trauma Train, Lydia is joined by Lisa King, self-loveologist, speaker, radio presenter and advocate for self-expression and emotional healing.
This episode is a deeply honest conversation about trauma, self-worth, grief, boundaries and learning how to reconnect with yourself after years of survival mode.
Lisa shares her story with incredible openness, reflecting on growing up around domestic violence, the impact of sexual trauma, addiction, emotional masking and the heartbreak that became a major turning point in her healing journey.
But this episode is not only about trauma.
It is about what happens afterwards.
It is about what healing can look like when you stop trying to become somebody else and slowly begin learning how to come home to yourself.
And perhaps most importantly, it is a reminder that self-love is not selfish.
For many people with lived experience of trauma, self-love can feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar or even unsafe at first. This conversation gently explores why.
What Is A “Self-Lovologist”?
One of the moments that immediately stood out in this conversation was Lisa explaining how she came to call herself a self-loveologist.
Lisa shared that she did not go to university because of everything happening in her younger years. Instead, she describes her healing journey as something that gave her more than a qualification ever could.
After years of learning, healing, surviving and rebuilding herself, she decided she had earned her own “ology” in self-love.
It is a powerful reframe.
So often, people dismiss lived experience as though it holds less value than formal education. But for many survivors, healing becomes a lifelong study in boundaries, resilience, nervous system safety, self-awareness and emotional regulation.
Lisa’s story is proof that lived experience matters.
Growing Up In Survival Mode
Throughout the episode, Lisa speaks candidly about her early experiences growing up around domestic violence.
She reflects on how trauma shaped the beliefs she carried about herself from a very young age.
Like many people who experience trauma in childhood, Lisa internalised the pain around her and created meaning from it.
She believed:
she was not lovable
she was not good enough
she was not worthy
she could not trust people
When trauma happens early in life, children do not yet have the emotional tools to understand that the behaviour of adults is not their fault.
Instead, many children assume they are the problem.
Those beliefs can quietly follow people into adulthood, influencing relationships, confidence, boundaries and self-worth for years.
Lisa also speaks about experiencing rape at the age of 12 and how that trauma led her to emotionally shut down.
She describes building emotional walls so high that intimacy and vulnerability felt impossible.
This part of the conversation is incredibly important because it highlights something many survivors experience but rarely talk about openly.
Trauma responses are not character flaws.
They are survival strategies.
The Masks We Wear To Survive
One of the biggest themes running through this episode is masking.
Lisa explains how she spent decades presenting herself as successful, sociable and “fine” while internally struggling.
Outwardly, she appeared confident and capable.
Behind the scenes, she was carrying pain, shame, grief and unresolved trauma.
Many people who have experienced trauma become experts at functioning.
They go to work.
They care for other people.
They smile.
They perform.
But underneath all of that, they may feel disconnected from themselves.
Lisa’s TEDx talk, Unmasking the True You, reflects this exact experience.
Healing often involves slowly removing the masks we once needed for survival.
And that process can feel both freeing and terrifying.
Rock Bottom And The Turning Point
Lisa shared that one of the biggest turning points in her life came after the death of her partner, Becca, who took her own life.
Following that loss, Lisa entered a period of self-destruction involving drinking, drugs and emotional shutdown.
She describes reaching an incredibly low point where she had to make a decision.
Would she continue living behind the mask?
Or would she finally begin finding out who she really was underneath it all?
That question became the beginning of her healing journey.
This part of the conversation is a reminder that healing often does not begin because everything suddenly feels okay.
Sometimes healing begins because something inside us realises we cannot continue surviving the same way anymore.
“Before I Could Tackle The Big Stuff, I Had To Start With Gratitude”
One of the most powerful moments in the episode came when Lisa explained how healing began for her.
Not with huge breakthroughs.
Not with fixing everything.
Not with becoming instantly confident.
But with gratitude.
Lisa shared that on some days she could barely get out of bed.
So she started smaller.
She became grateful for being alive.
She became grateful for another chance.
She became grateful for the tiny things.
This conversation is such an important reminder that healing is not always dramatic.
Sometimes healing looks like:
making the bed
brushing your teeth
sitting outside in the sun
drinking a cup of coffee
noticing one good thing in the middle of a hard day
For people living in survival mode, those small acts matter.
They help create safety.
They help regulate the nervous system.
They help reconnect us with the present moment.
And often, those tiny moments become the foundation for bigger healing later on.
Why Small Steps Matter In Trauma Recovery
Lydia and Lisa both speak openly about the reality of “bad days”.
The days where motivation disappears.
The days where even basic self-care feels difficult.
The days where everything feels heavy.
Rather than promoting toxic positivity or unrealistic advice, this conversation focuses on gentle, practical support.
Lisa explains that she created what she calls an “unmotivated day list” or a “just being list”.
Instead of forcing herself to achieve huge tasks, she chose smaller things that still helped her feel grounded.
That might include:
reading a book
watching comforting television
resting without guilt
brushing her teeth
checking in with herself
Trauma-informed healing recognises that the nervous system needs safety before it can fully embrace change.
When we overwhelm ourselves with pressure, our nervous system often reacts with shutdown, anxiety or dysregulation.
Tiny steps matter because they help build trust and safety slowly.
Boundaries, Self-Worth And Self-Love
Another important part of this episode is the conversation around boundaries.
Lisa explains that self-love is not one single thing.
It is a collection of many things, including:
self-awareness
self-acceptance
self-expression
boundaries
compassion
nervous system safety
For many survivors, boundaries can feel difficult because people-pleasing, hypervigilance and self-abandonment often become survival responses.
Learning to honour your own needs can feel unfamiliar.
That does not mean you are doing it wrong.
It means your nervous system is learning something new.
Lisa also shares a simple but powerful practice of checking in with yourself throughout the day.
Asking:What do I need right now?
What would help me feel safe?
Am I honouring my boundaries today?
These tiny check-ins can help stop emotional overwhelm from building silently in the background.
The Power Of Music In Healing
One of the most beautiful parts of this conversation is hearing Lisa speak about music.
Lisa hosts Unapologetically You on Dream Catcher Radio, where she creates shows around themes like boundaries, empowerment and healing.
She explains how music became both an escape during childhood and eventually a healing tool later in life.
Interestingly, during some of her darkest periods, Lisa could not listen to music at all because it triggered too much emotion.
Now, she intentionally uses songs and lyrics to provoke reflection, connection and empowerment.
Music can become a powerful way for people to process feelings they cannot always put into words.
Healing Is Not Linear
One of the strongest messages throughout this episode is that healing is not linear.
There are good days.
There are difficult days.
There are moments of growth and moments of exhaustion.
That does not mean healing is failing.
It means you are human.
Lisa and Lydia both emphasise the importance of meeting yourself where you are instead of judging yourself for struggling.
Self-love is not about perfection.
It is about learning to stay connected to yourself with compassion, even on difficult days.
Final Thoughts
This episode is a deeply compassionate conversation for anyone who feels disconnected from themselves, stuck in survival mode or overwhelmed by the idea of healing.
Lisa’s honesty, warmth and vulnerability make this episode incredibly powerful.
There is no pressure to “fix” everything overnight.
Healing can begin with something as small as:
making your bed
taking one deep breath
putting your hand on your heart
finding one thing to be grateful for
reminding yourself that you are safe
And sometimes, those tiny moments become the beginning of everything.
Connect With Lisa King
Lisa King: https://linktr.ee/1isaking
Dream Catcher Radio: https://www.dreamcatcherradio.co.uk
The Manse Method: https://www.themansemethod.com
Connect With Lydia
Website: www.ridingthetraumatrain.co.uk
Instagram: @ridingthetraumatrain
Email: lydia@info.ridingthetraumatrain.co.uk