There are moments in life when you look in the mirror and realise you’ve become someone you don’t recognise.
Not overnight.
Not because you consciously chose to change.
But because life, relationships, expectations and experiences have slowly shaped you into someone who feels further and further away from the person you once were.
In Episode 27 of Riding the Trauma Train, I sat down with content creator and confidence advocate Adeline Vining to talk about identity, coercive control, confidence and what it really means to live unapologetically.
One of the things that struck me most during our conversation was that Adeline didn’t describe her journey as becoming someone new.
She described it as becoming herself again.
Losing Yourself Happens More Gradually Than You Think
When people hear terms like coercive control or emotional abuse, they often imagine obvious warning signs.
The reality is usually far more subtle.
Coercive control often develops slowly.
It can begin with small comments.
Suggestions.
Criticisms disguised as care.
Questions about who you spend time with.
Opinions about what you wear.
Who you speak to.
How you behave.
Over time, those small moments can add up.
You begin adjusting.
Compromising.
Changing.
Until one day you realise you’ve drifted a long way from who you used to be.
For Adeline, that realisation came when friends pointed out something she hadn’t fully recognised herself.
They noticed she behaved differently when her partner wasn’t around.
Their observation planted a seed of awareness that would eventually help her understand the reality of her situation.
Sometimes other people can see what we can’t.
Not because we’re blind to it.
But because we’re living inside it.
“I Thought I Was Just in a Bad Relationship”
One of the most powerful moments from our conversation came when Adeline shared that she didn’t realise she had experienced coercive control until years later.
She came across information describing the signs of coercive control and suddenly recognised her own experience.
Until then, she’d simply believed she had been in a bad relationship.
That distinction matters.
Many people don’t identify with words like abuse.
Many people minimise their experiences.
Many people tell themselves:
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“I should have known better.”
But awareness often arrives later.
Sometimes much later.
And that’s okay.
Healing doesn’t require you to have recognised everything in real time.
The Journey Back to Yourself
One of the things I loved most about speaking with Adeline was her honesty about what happened after she left.
There wasn’t a dramatic overnight transformation.
There wasn’t a magical moment where everything suddenly felt okay.
Instead, there was exploration.
Experimentation.
Freedom.
And slowly reconnecting with the parts of herself she’d lost.
One of the first things she did was cut off her hair and dye it purple.
To some people, that might seem like a small act.
But when you’ve spent years adapting yourself to fit someone else’s expectations, choosing something entirely for yourself can be incredibly powerful.
It wasn’t really about the hair.
It was about choice.
It was about reclaiming ownership of who she was.
Confidence Is a Muscle
One of Adeline’s most memorable messages was this:
“Confidence is a muscle.”
So many people believe confidence is something you’re either born with or without.
But confidence doesn’t magically appear one day.
It’s built.
Strengthened.
Practised.
You don’t become confident before you do the thing.
You become confident because you do the thing.
Whether that’s:
Wearing the outfit you’ve been too nervous to wear
Speaking up in a meeting
Setting a boundary
Starting a new hobby
Sharing your story
Confidence grows every time you show yourself that you can survive discomfort.
Every small act matters.
What If You’ve Never Found Yourself?
One question we explored during the episode was this:
What if you don’t know who you are?
What if you’ve spent so much of your life meeting other people’s expectations that you’ve never really had the chance to discover yourself?
Adeline’s answer was beautifully simple.
Explore.
Try things.
Be curious.
You don’t discover your favourite food without tasting different foods.
You don’t discover your passions without trying different things.
You don’t discover yourself by standing still.
Sometimes self-discovery begins with permission.
Permission to experiment.
Permission to change your mind.
Permission to be bad at something.
Permission to figure it out as you go.
You Are Not Alone
If there was one message that ran throughout this entire conversation, it was this:
You are not alone.
One of the biggest myths surrounding difficult or controlling relationships is the belief that you’re completely on your own.
That nobody understands.
That nobody can help.
That nobody will believe you.
But support exists.
Whether that’s trusted friends, support services, charities, professionals or communities of people with similar lived experiences.
Reaching out can feel frightening.
But connection is often where healing begins.
Coming Home to Yourself
Perhaps the most beautiful moment in the episode came during the conductor’s question.
I asked Adeline what she would say if she could sit next to the younger version of herself on the train.
Her answer was simple but incredibly powerful:
“This is a blip. The next carriage is first class.”
I think so many of us need that reminder sometimes.
When we’re in the middle of a difficult chapter, it can feel like it will last forever.
But it won’t.
The chapter you’re in now is not the whole story.
And healing isn’t always about becoming someone new.
Sometimes it’s about coming home to the person you’ve been all along.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve been feeling disconnected from yourself recently, I want to leave you with a question:
What is one thing you’ve stopped doing because of other people’s expectations?
And what would happen if you gave yourself permission to start again?
Because the goal isn’t perfection.
The goal isn’t becoming somebody else.
The goal is becoming more fully you.
And as Adeline reminded us so beautifully:
You don’t have to apologise for that.