When people talk about domestic abuse, the focus is often on one thing: leaving.
We hear phrases like “Why didn’t they just leave?” or “Once they’re out, they can start again.” While leaving an abusive relationship is often the first step towards safety, it is rarely the end of the story.
For many survivors, leaving is where recovery truly begins.
The emotional, psychological and physical effects of abuse do not simply disappear because the relationship has ended. Trauma does not work that way. It leaves an imprint on the brain, the body and the nervous system, often affecting survivors long after they have reached physical safety.
In Episode 29 of Riding the Trauma Train, Lydia sits down with domestic abuse advocate, survivor and founder of Lejla Please Tell My Story and The Survivor Circle, Lejla Dauti, to explore why recovery is so much more than escaping abuse. Together, they discuss what healing really looks like, why survivors deserve support beyond crisis intervention and how it is possible to build a meaningful life after abuse.
Leaving is not the finish line
Leaving an abusive relationship is often portrayed as the happy ending.
In reality, it is often the beginning of an entirely new chapter, one that can feel confusing, lonely and overwhelming.
Many survivors spend months or even years living in survival mode. They become hypervigilant, constantly assessing risk, anticipating another outburst or trying to avoid conflict. Those survival responses do not automatically switch off once they leave.
Instead, many people find themselves asking questions they never expected.
“Why do I still feel anxious?”
“Why am I still on edge?”
“Why can’t I just move on?”
These are not signs that someone is failing to recover. They are normal responses to prolonged trauma.
As Lejla explains in this episode, leaving and healing are not the same thing.
Abuse changes more than circumstances
One of the most important messages from this conversation is that domestic abuse affects far more than a person’s external circumstances.
Trauma changes the nervous system.
When someone experiences ongoing fear, coercive control or emotional abuse, their body adapts in order to survive. The nervous system learns to stay alert, scanning for danger even when there is none.
This is why survivors can continue to experience anxiety, panic, emotional overwhelm or difficulty trusting others long after the abuse has ended.
It is not because they are weak.
It is because their body has spent months or years learning that the world is unsafe.
Understanding this can be incredibly validating. Rather than asking, “What’s wrong with me?”, survivors can begin asking, “What has my nervous system been trying to protect me from?”
That small shift in perspective can transform the recovery journey.
Domestic abuse is not always physical
Another powerful part of Lydia and Lejla’s conversation is the discussion around coercive control.
Many people still imagine domestic abuse as physical violence, but abuse often begins long before anyone is physically harmed.
It can look like constant criticism, isolation from friends and family, financial control, intimidation, manipulation or gaslighting. Over time, these behaviours slowly erode a person’s confidence and sense of self.
Lejla shares that she did not fit the stereotype many people associate with domestic abuse.
She was confident, educated and independent.
Like so many survivors, she believed abuse was something that happened to other people.
Her story reminds us that domestic abuse does not discriminate. It can affect anyone, regardless of their background, education, profession or personality.
Recognising coercive control is an essential step in helping more survivors identify abuse earlier and seek support without shame.
Recovery deserves more attention
There is increasing awareness around domestic abuse, and that is something to celebrate.
However, awareness alone is not enough.
For many survivors, support often decreases once they have left the relationship, despite this being the point at which many begin processing what has happened.
Lejla speaks openly about her own frustration after leaving.
She could find information about abuse.
She could access therapy.
What she struggled to find was support focused specifically on recovery.
She wanted to understand why she still felt trapped by fear, why she remained emotionally exhausted and why moving forward seemed so difficult.
Those questions eventually led her to study trauma, nervous system regulation and recovery in greater depth, inspiring her to create The Survivor Circle, a programme designed to support women beyond the point of leaving.
It highlights an important truth.
Survivors deserve recovery, not just rescue.
Healing is not about becoming who you used to be
Many survivors hope they can return to the person they were before the abuse.
While this feeling is completely understandable, healing often looks different.
Trauma changes people.
Life experiences shape us all.
Recovery is not about pretending those experiences never happened.
It is about discovering who you are now.
Throughout the episode, Lydia and Lejla discuss how healing is less about going backwards and more about moving forwards with greater self awareness, self compassion and resilience.
That does not mean forgetting what happened.
It means recognising that your past does not have to define your future.
There is no finish line
One of the most powerful moments in the conversation comes when Lejla challenges the idea that people can ever become completely healed.
She explains that healing is not a destination where all pain disappears forever.
There will still be difficult days.
There will still be moments when old memories surface or the nervous system reacts to something unexpected.
The difference is that recovery gives us the knowledge, understanding and tools to navigate those moments without becoming consumed by them.
Healing is not about perfection.
It is about building a life where trauma no longer controls every decision you make.
There is life after abuse
Perhaps the most hopeful message from this episode is also the simplest.
There is life after abuse.
Not because the past disappears.
Not because healing is quick or easy.
But because recovery is possible.
Every survivor deserves more than simply surviving. They deserve safety, peace, connection and the opportunity to build a life that feels like their own again.
As Lejla reminds us so powerfully, survivors do not owe their trauma gratitude. They do not have to justify what happened by finding a silver lining.
They simply deserve the chance to heal.
Listen to the full episode
If this conversation resonated with you, listen to Episode 29 of Riding the Trauma Train: Recovery Isn’t the Same as Leaving: Healing After Domestic Abuse with Lejla Dauti.
Whether you are a survivor, supporting someone you care about or simply want to better understand the long term impact of trauma, this episode offers compassionate insight, practical understanding and, above all, hope.
If you are currently experiencing domestic abuse or are concerned about your safety, please reach out to a trusted domestic abuse service or emergency services where appropriate. You do not have to face this journey alone.