Have you ever found yourself asking…
“Why did I react like that?”
“Why can’t I just let it go?”
“Why do I always put everyone else first?”
For so many people, those questions are followed by shame. We convince ourselves that we’re too sensitive, too emotional or simply broken. But what if your reactions aren’t a sign that something is wrong with you? What if they’re actually a sign that your brain and nervous system have been working incredibly hard to keep you safe?
These were some of the questions I explored with psychotherapist and coach Sharon Mustard in Episode 30 of Riding the Trauma Train. With more than 28 years of experience in therapy, coaching and mental health, Sharon has a wonderful way of making complex ideas feel simple, compassionate and hopeful. By the end of our conversation, one message stood out above everything else.
You are not broken.
Trauma can happen at any age
One of the biggest misconceptions about trauma is that it always begins in childhood.
Childhood experiences can have a huge impact, especially because children have fewer emotional resources and depend on adults for safety and support. But trauma can also happen in adulthood.
A relationship breakdown, bereavement, becoming a parent, losing a job or going through a major life change can overwhelm us, particularly when we do not have the support or resources we need at the time.
Trauma is not simply about what happened.
It is also about how the experience affected you.
Two people can go through something similar and respond very differently. That does not make one stronger and the other weaker. It means they have different histories, nervous systems, coping strategies and levels of support.
There is no need to compare your experience with anyone else’s.
If something overwhelmed your ability to cope and left a lasting impact, it matters.
Sometimes trauma is about what was missing
One of the parts of this conversation that really stayed with me was Sharon’s explanation that trauma is not always caused by something that happened.
Sometimes it grows from what didn’t happen.
The comfort you needed but didn’t receive.
The moment nobody noticed you were struggling.
The emotions you were told to hide.
The times you learnt it was safer to stay quiet.
Sharon explained that children need to feel safe, seen and soothed.
They need to know they are protected.
They need to feel noticed and understood.
They need someone to help them manage difficult emotions until they gradually learn how to do that for themselves.
When those needs aren’t met consistently, children adapt.
They may become highly aware of everyone else’s moods. They may learn to keep the peace, avoid conflict or stop asking for help. They may become fiercely independent because relying on others no longer feels safe.
Those responses are not character flaws.
They are survival strategies.
The problem is that a strategy which helped during childhood can continue into adulthood, even when the original danger has passed.
Your reactions make sense
Many of us judge ourselves for the ways we respond to stress.
Why did I get so upset?
Why can’t I stop thinking about that conversation?
Why do I always say yes when I want to say no?
Why do I shut down when someone challenges me?
Sharon explained how the nervous system can respond before the logical part of the brain has had time to catch up.
When the body senses danger, it may move into fight, flight, freeze or fawn.
Fight can look like anger or defensiveness.
Flight can look like avoidance, restlessness or constantly keeping busy.
Freeze can feel like going blank, shutting down or feeling unable to act.
Fawn often appears as people pleasing, overexplaining or trying to keep everyone else happy.
These responses are your body’s attempt to create safety.
They may no longer be helpful, but they developed for a reason.
That understanding can shift the question from:
“What is wrong with me?”
to:
“What is my nervous system trying to protect me from?”
For me, that feels like a much kinder place to begin.
Healing involves the whole person
One of the things I loved most about speaking with Sharon was how she reminds us that healing isn’t just about changing our thoughts.
Trauma doesn’t only affect the mind.
It can affect sleep, energy, digestion, relationships and the ability to relax.
Healing isn’t about simply thinking positively or telling yourself to “move on”. Sometimes the body needs to experience safety before the mind can truly believe it.
One of my favourite moments in the episode came when Sharon explained why birdsong can feel so calming.
When birds are singing, it usually means there are no immediate predators nearby. Without us even realising it, our nervous system can interpret that sound as a sign that we’re safe.
I’d never thought about it that way before.
It instantly took me back to my own healing journey, when walking in nature became one of the few things that genuinely helped. At the time, I couldn’t explain why I felt calmer after a walk.
Now I wonder if my nervous system already knew.
Healing doesn’t always have to be dramatic.
Sometimes it’s found in the simplest moments.
A walk with the dog.
A conversation with someone who makes you feel safe.
A deep breath.
A cup of tea in the garden.
The sound of birds singing.
Those moments matter more than we often realise.
Small steps create big change
Towards the end of our conversation, Sharon shared what she describes as the four pillars of positive mental health.
Sleep.
Diet.
Movement.
Safe relationships.
None of these are magic fixes, but together they create an environment where healing becomes more possible.
I particularly loved that Sharon used the word movement instead of exercise.
Movement feels kinder.
It could be walking, stretching, dancing around the kitchen or simply getting outside for ten minutes.
It’s not about punishment.
It’s about giving your body what it needs.
The same goes for safe relationships.
Healing doesn’t happen in isolation.
We all need people who make us feel accepted, heard and understood.
Sometimes that’s a friend.
Sometimes it’s a family member.
Sometimes it’s a therapist.
The important thing is knowing that you don’t have to carry everything on your own.
You are not where you’re from
Right at the end of the episode, Sharon said something that I know will stay with me for a long time.
“You are not where you’re from.”
Those six words hold so much hope.
Yes, our past shapes us.
Yes, our experiences influence how we see ourselves and the world around us.
But they do not have to write the rest of our story.
Our brains can change.
Our nervous systems can learn that they’re safe.
We can begin to recognise when we’re surviving and gently move towards living.
Healing isn’t about pretending the past never happened.
It’s about understanding why we adapted in the first place, treating ourselves with compassion and slowly building new patterns that help us feel safe, connected and free.
You are not broken
If there is one thing I hope you take away from this conversation, it’s this.
You are not broken.
Your reactions make sense.
Your nervous system has been trying to protect you in the best way it knows how.
And while those patterns may no longer serve you, they are not permanent.
Healing is possible.
Not because you’ll become a completely different person.
But because you’ll begin to understand yourself with more compassion than ever before.
And perhaps that’s where every healing journey truly begins.