I Thought My Childhood Was Normal. Until I Realised It Wasn’t.
There is a moment that catches so many people by surprise.
It doesn’t happen during childhood.
It doesn’t happen the day you leave home.
Often, it doesn’t happen until your thirties, forties or even later.
It’s the moment you realise that what you always called “normal” wasn’t normal at all.
Maybe you’ve found yourself making excuses for the way you were raised.
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“Other people had it worse.”
“My parents did their best.”
These are phrases I hear all the time, both through my own experiences and from the incredible guests I have on Riding the Trauma Train.
In my latest episode, I sat down with bestselling author and breathwork facilitator Josh Connolly, who shared something that stopped me in my tracks.
When Josh first got sober, he would have told anyone that he had a perfect childhood.
It wasn’t until he began to understand himself more deeply that he recognised the impact of growing up with an alcoholic father, losing him at the age of nine and then never speaking about those early years again.
Nothing had changed about his childhood.
Only his understanding of it.
Trauma doesn’t always look like trauma
When people hear the word trauma, they often picture dramatic events.
But trauma isn’t always about what happened.
Sometimes it’s about what didn’t happen.
Not feeling safe.
Not feeling heard.
Not feeling comforted.
Not having someone help you make sense of overwhelming emotions.
If chaos was your normal, you probably didn’t know it was chaos.
If shouting happened every day, it became normal.
If you walked on eggshells, that became normal too.
Children don’t have anything to compare their experiences to.
They adapt.
They survive.
And those survival strategies often follow us into adulthood.
Understanding is not the same as excusing
One part of my conversation with Josh really resonated with me.
We spoke about the phrase, “They did their best.”
Sometimes that’s true.
Sometimes parents really were doing the best they could with the resources they had.
But acknowledging that doesn’t erase the impact their behaviour had on you.
Both things can exist at the same time.
You can understand someone’s struggles while also recognising that you were hurt.
You don’t have to minimise your own experience just because someone else was struggling.
That isn’t blame.
It’s honesty.
Breaking the cycle doesn’t mean becoming perfect
As parents, many of us carry an enormous amount of pressure.
We desperately want to give our children a different childhood from the one we had.
But here’s the truth.
Perfection doesn’t exist.
Josh shared something that I think every parent needs to hear.
He doesn’t aim to raise children who never need healing.
Instead, he hopes to raise children who know they can come back to him when they need it.
That completely changed how I think about parenting.
Children don’t need perfect parents.
They need parents who can repair.
Parents who can apologise.
Parents who can say, “I got that wrong.”
Parents who are willing to keep learning.
That feels far more achievable than chasing perfection.
Healing often comes in layers
One thing I’ve learnt through my own healing journey is that it isn’t linear.
You think you’ve dealt with something.
Then life presents you with another chapter.
For me, becoming a mum brought up things I didn’t know were still there.
Later, losing my abuser brought another wave of healing.
For Josh, becoming the parent of a nine-year-old made him realise the age at which he had lost his own father.
Healing doesn’t happen once.
It unfolds as life unfolds.
And that isn’t failure.
It’s part of being human.
You are allowed to tell yourself the truth
Perhaps the biggest takeaway from this conversation is this.
You are allowed to acknowledge what happened.
You are allowed to stop minimising your experiences.
You are allowed to recognise that someone may have loved you in the only way they knew how, while also accepting that it wasn’t enough for what you needed.
That doesn’t make you ungrateful.
It doesn’t make you disloyal.
It makes you honest.
And honesty is often where healing begins.
Listen to the Full Conversation
In this episode of Riding the Trauma Train, Josh Connolly and I explore childhood trauma, toxic parents, addiction, emotional healing, parenting after trauma and what it really means to break generational cycles.
If you’ve ever questioned your childhood, found yourself saying, “It wasn’t that bad,” or wondered why certain experiences still affect you today, I hope this conversation helps you feel a little less alone.
Because healing doesn’t start when you have all the answers.
Sometimes it starts with giving yourself permission to ask a different question.
What if what I called normal… wasn’t?