Leaving an abusive relationship can take an enormous amount of courage.
But what happens after you leave?
There can be an assumption that once somebody is out of an abusive situation, they are safe, so life should begin returning to normal. The reality can be far more complicated.
In Episode 37 of Riding the Trauma Train, Lydia is joined by trauma recovery coach Steph Atkinson Warren to explore life after domestic abuse and a stage Steph calls “the messy middle”.
It is the space between surviving what happened and beginning to feel as though your life truly belongs to you again.
You might be working, parenting, paying the bills and getting through your daily responsibilities. From the outside, you may appear to be coping brilliantly.
Inside, it can feel very different.
When Life Becomes Beige
Steph uses a phrase in this conversation that captures this stage beautifully: the “beige life”.
You wake up.
You go to work.
You look after the children.
You sort the washing, appointments, shopping and endless life admin.
Then you get up and do it all again.
You are functioning, but somewhere amongst everything you have to do, you may have lost sight of what you actually want.
For someone who has experienced domestic abuse, that question can be particularly difficult.
What do I want?
Abuse and coercive control can gradually affect a person’s confidence, identity, self-worth and ability to trust their own decisions.
So leaving the relationship does not automatically restore all of those things.
Sometimes, rebuilding your life also means rediscovering yourself.
The Invisible Trauma Backpack
One of the most memorable analogies Steph shares is the idea of an “invisible trauma backpack”.
Imagine carrying a backpack everywhere you go.
Inside it are the experiences you have already lived through.
Then everyday life keeps adding more.
Work.
Parenting.
Money.
Relationships.
Health.
Responsibilities.
Worries.
Expectations.
You keep putting things into the backpack and carrying on.
Eventually, it becomes incredibly heavy.
Then one seemingly tiny thing happens and suddenly it feels like too much.
Someone looking from the outside might wonder why such a small thing caused such a big reaction.
But perhaps it was never just that one thing.
Perhaps the backpack was already full.
Lydia relates this to her own idea of the “life plate”. Everyone has responsibilities on their plate, but after trauma it can sometimes feel as though that plate has gone from ceramic to paper.
You might still be carrying everything, but it takes far less for the plate to buckle.
Recognising how much you are already carrying can help replace the question, “Why can’t I cope?” with something gentler:
“What am I carrying right now?”
Why Being Safe Does Not Always Mean Feeling Safe
Another important part of Lydia and Steph’s conversation is the difference between being safe and feeling safe.
When we experience a threat, the nervous system can produce automatic survival responses. These are often described as fight, flight or freeze.
They are not necessarily conscious choices.
After traumatic experiences, certain situations or reminders can sometimes trigger strong reactions even when the original danger is no longer present.
Steph and Lydia talk about reactions to loud noises and other seemingly ordinary situations that can leave the body feeling activated.
For Steph, another example was opening her post.
After experiencing financial difficulties, letters became associated with frightening possibilities. Before she had even opened an envelope, her thoughts could race towards the worst possible outcome.
What if it was bad news?
What if she could not deal with it?
What if everything went wrong?
Something that might look like a simple everyday task could feel completely overwhelming.
Recovery Can Begin With One Letter
What I particularly like about this part of Steph’s approach is that the answer is not to suddenly force yourself to tackle everything.
It can start smaller.
One letter.
One decision.
One moment of noticing what is happening in your body.
One opportunity to recognise that you are becoming overwhelmed and use something that helps you feel steadier.
Trauma recovery does not have to be made up of enormous breakthroughs.
Sometimes the smallest steps are the ones that begin rebuilding something incredibly important:
trust in yourself.
Rebuilding Identity After Domestic Abuse
One of the deeper consequences of an abusive or controlling relationship can be losing touch with your own identity.
If you have spent a long time thinking about somebody else’s reactions, adjusting your behaviour or having your choices controlled, making decisions for yourself again can feel surprisingly difficult.
Steph talks about rebuilding:
- self-trust
- self-worth
- identity
- decision-making
- confidence
- ambition
- a sense of direction.
Recovery is not simply about learning how to cope with difficult feelings.
It can also be about beginning to ask:
Who am I now?
What matters to me?
What do I enjoy?
What do I want?
What could my future look like?
Those can be big questions.
You do not need to have all the answers immediately.
You Are Allowed to Want More Than Survival
There is another powerful theme running through this episode.
Guilt.
If you have escaped an abusive situation and reached safety, it can sometimes feel as though you should simply be grateful.
You are safe.
Surely that should be enough?
But Steph challenges that idea.
Survivors are allowed to have ambitions.
You are allowed to want the promotion.
You are allowed to start the business.
You are allowed to build relationships.
You are allowed to discover new interests.
You are allowed to experience joy.
You are allowed to create a life that contains more than surviving what happened to you.
Safety matters.
But wanting more does not make you ungrateful for being safe.
What Is Somatic Trauma-Informed Coaching?
Steph describes her work as somatic trauma-informed coaching.
In simple terms, somatic work brings awareness to what is happening in the body rather than focusing only on thoughts or talking about past experiences.
For example, someone might begin noticing what happens physically when they feel stressed or activated.
Does their heart start racing?
Do their muscles tense?
Does their breathing change?
Do they feel the urge to run, argue or shut down?
The purpose is not to judge those responses. It is to become more aware of them and explore strategies that may help someone feel more grounded and able to respond differently.
Steph describes her coaching framework as Regulate, Reclaim, Rewrite.
The work begins with nervous system awareness before moving towards rebuilding identity and, eventually, considering what someone wants their life to look like moving forwards.
Coaching is not a substitute for therapy, medical care or specialist domestic abuse support, and Steph is clear that her work focuses on women who are beyond the immediate crisis stage.
Healing Is Not a Finish Line
One thing Steph is refreshingly open about is that healing does not mean reaching a point where nothing ever affects you again.
She talks about her own ongoing journey and the things she continues to work on.
There is no perfect version of recovery.
There may be things you understand relatively quickly and other patterns that take much longer to unpick.
There may be periods when you feel strong and others when something unexpectedly feels difficult again.
That does not erase the progress you have already made.
Recovery can be about having more awareness, more choices, more self-trust and more tools available when life becomes difficult.
Your Trauma Does Not Have to Define You
Steph says something during the episode that gets to the heart of why she does this work.
She believes many women feel as though they will never get past their trauma, and she wants to challenge the belief that they have to be defined by it.
That does not mean pretending the trauma did not happen.
It does not mean minimising its impact.
And it certainly does not mean somebody should simply “get over it”.
It means recognising that what happened to you is not the entirety of who you are.
Your story can contain what happened.
It can also contain everything that comes next.
From Ember to Flame
Towards the end of the episode, Steph reflects on the person she was while experiencing domestic abuse.
She describes there still being a tiny ember inside her.
Even when her sense of self had been stripped away and she felt incredibly alone, something remained.
That image feels particularly fitting for the messy middle.
Recovery does not always begin with a roaring fire.
Sometimes it begins with an ember.
Something tiny that says there might still be more for you.
With time, support and the opportunity to reconnect with yourself, that ember can begin to grow.
Your ember can become a flame.
Listen to Episode 37
Listen to Episode 37: The Messy Middle: Reclaiming Your Life After Domestic Abuse with Steph Atkinson Warren on Riding the Trauma Train.
Steph can be found at Transform After Trauma and on TikTok and Instagram at @transformaftertrauma.
Connect with Lydia and Riding the Trauma Train at www.ridingthetraumatrain.co.uk and @ridingthetraumatrain.
Content note: This episode discusses domestic abuse, coercive control, physical abuse and trauma responses. Please engage with it when you feel able and take a break if you need one. If you are currently experiencing domestic abuse, feel unsafe or are concerned about somebody else, please seek support from an appropriate specialist domestic abuse organisation or emergency service. This article and podcast are for general information and shared experience and are not substitutes for therapy, medical care or crisis support.